The following jokes have been selected from jokes sent over the last few years on the jokes@floater.org (formerly jokes@pub.ro) mailing list and by Mihai Budiu on his private jokes list. Some of the jokes here might seem offensive to some people (they cover every sexual, religious, ethnic or politically incorrect issue you can think of). If you're easily offended, it's best if you hit Back on your browser now. You have been warned.
Over time, my collection of jokes and funny stories grew, and in order to preserve bandwidth, I've split it into several pages, one page per category, despite the fact that it makes searching more difficult.
If you have a joke that you think it's funny, please drop me a note at tudor@hulubei.net.
Finally, you may want to visit the Funny section in the Photography page.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
To the solipsist: you're here only because you think you are.
Q: Why are New Yorkers always depressed?
A: The light at the end of their tunnel is New
Jersey.
Q: What's the difference between a chess player
and a frigid woman in bed?
A: Every now and again a chess player moves.
A Zen master once said to me:
"Do the opposite of whatever I tell you."
So I didn't.
Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky.
Proof of global warming:
When I was born, I had the option to be a boy or to be a girl. I chose the former because I thought it's better to stop sucking at 1 than to start at 17.
An expert is one who knows more and more about less and less until he knows absolutely everything about nothing.
A man calls a radio station:
"Hello! I just
found a wallet with $15,000 dollars and an id
belonging to somebody named Michael Smith. I'd like
to dedicate him a song!"
Q: How can you tell when an auto mechanic just had sex?
A: One of his fingers is clean.
In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in France. She said, "Cut it out!"
When I was young I used to pray for a bike.
Then I realized that God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness.
A hippie is walking down the sidewalk wearing a shoe
on one foot, and his other foot is bare.
A
friend says, "Hey, man, did you lose your
shoe?"
The hippie smiles and replies,
"No, man, I found one!"
Waiter: "Tea or coffee, gentlemen?"
1st customer: "I'll have tea."
2nd customer: "Me, too -- and be sure the glass
is clean!"
(Waiter exits, returns)
Waiter: "Two teas. Which one asked for the clean
glass?"
"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to
find a woman I don't like and just give her a
house."
-- Rod Stewart
Ad found in New York Times and on Ebay (authentic!):
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of Encyclopedia
Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition.
$1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got
married last weekend. Wife knows fucking everything.
Q: Why did they send the first woman into space?
A: She was 100 pounds lighter than the electric
dishwasher!
Q: What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?
A: Thirty-five kilograms.
If you would find yourself in a situation where you could either save a drowning man, or you could take a Pulitzer prize winning photograph of him drowning, what shutter speed and aperture would you use?
Giving instructions to a group of his soldiers, a Mafia Boss said, "I want the guy shot; then put him in a barrel and fill it with cement; then toss him in the East River. And, oh yeah... make it look like an accident."
Met this guy in a bar; says:
- Hi, dude. Do you have pictures with your wife nude?
- Nope.
- Would you buy some?
You go to the ballet to see girls dancing on their tiptoes. Why don't they just get taller girls?
No matter how great your triumphs or how tragic your defeats -- approximately one billion Chinese couldn't care less.
Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.
Latest discovery:
Helicopters with ejection seats.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
Trust: two cannibals having oral sex.
In a museum in Havana, there are two skulls of Christopher Columbus, "one when he was a boy and one when he was a man."
George CARLIN said it best about Martha Stewart... "Boy, I feel a lot safer now that she's behind bars. O.J. Simpson, Kobe Bryant and Michael Jackson are still walking around; Osama Bin Laden, too. But they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean, and work in the yard, and haul her ass off to jail."
Q: Hi, can I speak with Bob, please?
A: Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?
Q: Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice?
A: It said "concentrate."
A man comes into an auto parts store.
"I'd like a mirror for my Chevy," he tells
the clerk.
"Sounds like a fair swap to me..."
Q: Why does the Chevy have a rear window defroster?
A: So that your hands don't freeze when you're pushing it!
Q: Why do men like love at first sight?
A: It saves them a lot of time.
"I don't want to worry you," the little boy said to his teacher, " but last night my dad said that if I didn't get better grades on my next report card, someone was going to get their butt kicked."
Conscience doesn't really keep you from doing anything wrong -- it merely keeps you from enjoying it.
Religion is the most malevolent of all mind viruses. --Arthur C. Clarke
An American is a man with two arms and four wheels.
-- A Chinese child
Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's
resemblance to ourselves.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
An American's a person who isn't afraid to criticize the President but is always polite to traffic cops.
A fellow asks his boss, "Say Boss, my wife wants me to
clean out the basement tomorrow. Can I have the day
off?".
"NO" the boss answers.
"Thanks Boss, I knew you'd come through."
"Here's something to think about: How come you never
see a headline like `Psychic Wins Lottery'?"
-- Jay Leno
Psychiatrists say that one out of four people are mentally ill. Check three friends. If they're ok, you're it.
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Lord John to his driver:
James, drive off the cliff. I want to commit suicide.
"Real hackers don't die, their TTL expires."
Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr. Gandhi, what do you
think of Western Civilization?
Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
The Scot told his wife: "Be sure now to take off your new eye glasses if you're not looking at anything."
Q: How do I make my wife stop buying all these gloves?
A: Buy her a diamond ring.
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
What did God say after creating Adam?
I must be able to do better than that.
The last fight was my fault. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?". I said, "Dust!"
My wife ran off with my best friend. I sure do miss him!
Husband: I don't know why you wear a bra, you've got
nothing to put in it?
Wife: You wear briefs, don't you?
Husband: Want a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
Minneapolis and St. Paul are divided by the Mississippi River and united by the belief that the inhabitants of the other side of the river are inferior.
To err is human; to forgive is simply not our policy.
-- MIT Assasination Club
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: How do you know when a woman is going to say
something intelligent?
A: When her first words are, "A man once told
me..."
Good News: A busload of lawyers ran off a cliff. The bus was
destroyed and there were no survivors.
Bad News: There were three empty seats.
A man without a woman is like a fish without a bicycle.
Q: Why do women like intelligent men?
A: Opposites attract.
Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? Yeah, it fits right over her mouth.
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same.
A bachelor is a man who never made the same mistake once.
Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
A: Yogurt has culture.
Ummm, well, OK. The network's the network, the
computer's the computer. Sorry for the confusion.
-- Sun Microsystems
Airhead Airlines, Flight 101, is coming in for a landing, and the pilot is freaking out. The sweat is jumping off his brow. (Plane landing and screeching to a halt.) RRRtttt! He turns to the co-pilot, and he says, "Man, that is the *shortest* runway I ever landed on." The co-pilot says, "Yeah, and so *wide*."
God made Eve. He gave her a wonderful figure. He gave her a beautiful face, lovely lips, a luscious mouth, and then He put a tongue in it and ruined the whole thing!
If you're careful enough, nothing bad or good will ever happen to you.
The moon may be smaller than Earth, but it's further away.
The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people, and don't come in clearly enough.
No more sick days? Call in dead!
The trouble with finding your perfect soulmate is that she would probably want to get married, then four weeks after the wedding you would meet another perfect soulmate, with larger breasts.
Girls who throw themselves at men, are actually taking very careful aim.
Mother to Daughter: What kind of person is your new boyfriend? Is he respectable?
"Of course he is, Mom. He's thrifty, doesn't drink or smoke. In fact, he has a very nice wife and three well-behaved children."
An experienced surgeon rebukes a young one: "Who taught you to make such awful incisions? This is the fourth operating table you've scratched up!"
Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose your job. These economic downturns are very difficult to predict, but sophisticated econometric modeling houses like Data Resources and Chase Econometrics have successfully predicted 14 of the last 3 recessions.
A lot of Americans right now are angry at the French. In Washington, the cafeteria where the members of Congress eat announced that they have changed the name of 'french fries' to 'freedom fries'. Nothing like this has happened since the 1950s when 'Russian dressing' changed to 'commie sauce'. --Conan O'Brien
You shouldn't get jail time for bigamy.
Isn't having multiple mothers-in-laws enough punishment?
Dear Abby says that you are addicted to sex if you have sex more than three times a day, and that you should seek professional help.
I have news for Dear Abby: the only way I am going to get sex 3 times a day is IF I seek professional help.
If it's too loud, you're too old.