The following jokes have been selected from jokes sent over the last few years on the jokes@floater.org (formerly jokes@pub.ro) mailing list and by Mihai Budiu on his private jokes list. Some of the jokes here might seem offensive to some people (they cover every sexual, religious, ethnic or politically incorrect issue you can think of). If you're easily offended, it's best if you hit Back on your browser now. You have been warned.
Over time, my collection of jokes and funny stories grew, and in order to preserve bandwidth, I've split it into several pages, one page per category, despite the fact that it makes searching more difficult.
If you have a joke that you think it's funny, please drop me a note at tudor@hulubei.net.
Finally, you may want to visit the Funny section in the Photography page.
They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq. Why don't we just give them ours? It was written by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for over 200 years, and we're not using it anymore.
Bush Playing With The Earth (WMV movie)
True love...
Florida 2004 Elections (WMV movie)
Sick fun with the
Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying:
"Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."
"OH, NO!", the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks,
"How many is a brazillion?"
"As democracy is perfected, the office of president represents, more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their heart's desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron."
H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)
A large group of Iraqi soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune. "One United States Marine is better than ten Iraqis!"
The Iraqi commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune, where upon a gun battle breaks and continues for a few minutes, then silence.
The voice then calls out "One United States Marine is better than one hundred Iraqis!"
Furious, the Iraqi commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune and instantly a huge firefight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again silence.
The American voice calls out again "One United States Marine is better than one thousand Iraqis!"
The enraged Iraqi Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them across the dune. Cannons, rockets and machine guns ring out as a huge battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded Iraqi fighter crawls back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more men, it's a trap. There's two of them!"
"CNN said that after the war, there is a plan to divide Iraq into three parts ... regular, premium and unleaded." --Jay Leno
Saddam Hussein's eight doubles are called to an urgent meeting with the chief of staff.
"Boys I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that our glorious leader has survived the latest American bombing. The bad news is that he's lost an arm."
Tony Blair phones George Bush, and asks: "What proof do you have that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction?" Bush replies: "We kept the receipts".
As a squad of American soldiers was patrolling the Iraqi border, they came across a badly mangled dead body. As they got closer, they found it was an Iraqi soldier.
A short distance up the road, they found a badly mangled American soldier in a ditch on the other side of the road, struggling to breath. They ran to him, cradled his blood-covered head and asked him what had happened.
"Well," he whispered, "I was walking down this road, armed to the teeth when I came across this heavily armed Iraqi border guard. I looked him right in the eye and shouted, 'Saddam Hussein is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash!'"
"He looked me right in the eye and shouted back, 'George W. Bush is an unprincipled, lying piece of trash too!'"
"We were standing there shaking hands when the truck hit us."
A lot of students around the country protested the war today. The National Youth and Student Peace Coalition sponsored an anti-war organization called 'Books Not Bombs.' President Bush was confused: 'Why do you want to drop books on them?' --Jay Leno
President Bush spent last night calling world leaders to support the war with Iraq. It's so sad when the most powerful man on earth is yelling, "I know you're there, pick up, pick up!".
White House spokesman Ari Fleischer said today President Bush called British Prime Minister Tony Blair this afternoon, as he does every day, to make sure he's still in office. --Jay Leno
According to the Pentagon, secret surrender negotiations are now underway with key Iraqi military officials. That's what the Pentagon said: We're in secret negotiations, so for God sakes, don't tell anyone... What we're doing basically is giving these key Iraqi military officials instructions on how to surrender. See, this is where we could have used the French. --Jay Leno
A lot of students around the country protested the war today. The National Youth and Student Peace Coalition sponsored an anti-war organization called 'Books Not Bombs.' President Bush was confused: 'Why do you want to drop books on them?' --Jay Leno
A lot of Americans right now are angry at the French. In Washington, the cafeteria where the members of Congress eat announced that they have changed the name of 'french fries' to 'freedom fries.' Nothing like this has happened since the 1950s when 'russian dressing' changed to 'commie sauce.' --Conan O'Brien
President Bush agreed today to allow more weapons inspectors in Iraq. As I understand he has 250,000 of them ready to go. --Jay Leno
Thursday, Bush made a speech in prime-time when most people are watching 'Friends.' Most people didn't notice because Bush reminds them of Joey. --Conan O'Brien
George W. Bush and Tony Blair are at a White House dinner. One of the important guests walks over to them and asks what they are talking about.
"We are making up the plans for WW III", says Bush.
"Wow", says the guest. "And what are the plans?"
"We are gonna kill 14 million Muslims and one dentist", answers Bush.
The guest looks to be a bit confused. "One... dentist?" He says. "Why? Why would you kill one dentist?"
Bush pats Blair on the shoulder and says, "What did I tell you? Nobody is gonna give a shit about those Muslims."
Please, Mr. Bush, can we invade Iraq?
Can we?
Can we?
Can we?
Bush Jr. opens every Cabinet meeting with a prayer.
Yeah, no kidding.
Original link here,
courtesy of Time Magazine.
No comment...
Mubarak's aide enters his office at the palace. He asks the president, "Isn't it time you write a farewell speech to the Egyptian people?"
The president looks at him, confused.
"Where are they going?" he asks.
You know the world is going crazy when...
- the best rapper is a white guy,
- the best golfer is a black guy,
- and Germany doesn't want to go to war.
Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion. -- Norman Schwartzkopf
The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee. -- Regis Philbin
The only way the French are going in is if we tell them we found truffles in Iraq. -- Dennis Miller
Hillary Clinton went in for her yearly checkup. When she was finished, she asked her gynecologist how things looked. He said he was pleased and that she is in great shape but, that she was pregnant! She told the doctor there was no way, but he said that she most definitely was a month pregnant. Well, she stormed out of the office and went to the receptionist and took the phone and called the White House.
When the operator answered she said that it was Hillary and that she wanted to talk to Bill right away. Well they rang the oval office and Bill answered.
Hillary said: "Do you know what you did you rotten bastard? You got me pregnant!"
The President remained silent.
Again, Hillary screamed, "DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID, YOU ROTTEN BASTARD? YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!"
Finally Bill answered, "Who is this???"
The President gets into his helicopter with a pig under each arm.
"Nice pigs, sir!" says the marine on duty.
"These aren't just pigs," says the President. "These are prize-winning Arkansas Razorbacks! I got one for Hillary and one for Chelsea."
"Good work, sir!" says the marine. "Excellent trade!"
President Clinton, stymied with his peace efforts in the Middle East told his cabinet, "I'll tell you this -- they'd be no trouble at all in the Middle East if the Arabs and the Jews started acting like the good Christians they're supposed to be."
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration (NASA) decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million U.S. The pen worked and also enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
In Gennifer Flowers' book, she says President Clinton was a great lover. This has to be frustrating for him... the first time in two years anybody's written something nice about him... and he has to deny it.
A college graduate applied for a job at the CIA. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.
As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the packet.Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person.Report to the fifth floor."
At the height of the arms race, the Americans and Russians realized that if they continued in the usual manner they were going to blow up the whole world. One day they sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They'd have five years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and which ever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. The losing side would have to lay down its arms. The Russians found the biggest meanest Doberman and Rottweiler in the world and bred them with the biggest meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, killed his siblings, and gave him all the milk. They used steroids and trainers and after five years came up with the biggest meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were five inches thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, the Americans showed up with a strange animal. It was a nine foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for the Americans because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last ten seconds with the Russian dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards the Russian dog. The Russian dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American dachshund. But, when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed the Russian dog in one bite. There was nothing left at all of the Russian dog.
The Russians came up to the Americans shaking their heads in disbelief. "We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for five years with the meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world and the biggest meanest Siberian wolves."
"That's nothing", an American replied. "We had our best plastic surgeons working for five years to make an alligator look like a Dachshund."
Once upon a time (allegedly) in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth.
One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest,and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit. "Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm an orphan, I don't even know what I am."
"It's quite OK," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is much the same as yours. I, too, have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you."
"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur; you have really long ears; your nose twitches; and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."
"Oh, thank you! Thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake,
"Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me." So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked,
"Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls. I'd say you must be French".
The average IQ by state and who they voted for:
| No. | State | Average IQ | Average Income | 2000 |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 01 | Connecticut | 113 | $26,979 | Gore |
| 02 | Massachusetts | 111 | $24,059 | Gore |
| 03 | New Jersey | 111 | $26,457 | Gore |
| 04 | New York | 109 | $23,534 | Gore |
| 05 | Rhode Island | 107 | $20,299 | Gore |
| 06 | Hawaii | 106 | $21,218 | Gore |
| 07 | Maryland | 105 | $22,974 | Gore |
| 08 | New Hampshire | 105 | $22,934 | Bush |
| 09 | Illinois | 104 | $21,608 | Gore |
| 10 | Delaware | 103 | $21,451 | Gore |
| 11 | Minnesota | 102 | $20,049 | Gore |
| 12 | Vermont | 102 | $18,834 | Gore |
| 13 | Washington | 102 | $20,398 | Gore |
| 14 | California | 101 | $21,278 | Gore |
| 15 | Pennsylvania | 101 | $20,253 | Gore |
| 16 | Maine | 101 | $18,226 | Gore |
| 17 | Virginia | 100 | $20,629 | Bush |
| 18 | Wisconsin | 100 | $18,727 | Gore |
| 19 | Colorado | 99 | $20,124 | Bush |
| 20 | Iowa | 99 | $18,287 | Gore |
| 21 | Michigan | 99 | $19,508 | Gore |
| 22 | Nevada | 99 | $20,266 | Bush |
| 23 | Ohio | 99 | $18,624 | Bush |
| 24 | Oregon | 99 | $18,202 | Gore |
| 25 | Alaska | 98 | $21,603 | Bush |
| 26 | Florida | 98 | $19,397 | Bush |
| 27 | Missouri | 98 | $18,835 | Bush |
| 28 | Kansas | 96 | $19,376 | Bush |
| 29 | Nebraska | 95 | $19,084 | Bush |
| 30 | Arizona | 94 | $17,119 | Bush |
| 31 | Indiana | 94 | $18,043 | Bush |
| 32 | Tennessee | 94 | $17,341 | Bush |
| 33 | North Carolina | 93 | $17,667 | Bush |
| 34 | West Virginia | 93 | $15,065 | Bush |
| 35 | Arkansas | 92 | $15,439 | Bush |
| 36 | Georgia | 92 | $18,130 | Bush |
| 37 | Kentucky | 92 | $16,534 | Bush |
| 38 | New Mexico | 92 | $15,353 | Gore |
| 39 | North Dakota | 92 | $16,854 | Bush |
| 40 | Texas | 92 | $17,892 | Bush |
| 41 | Alabama | 90 | $16,220 | Bush |
| 42 | Louisiana | 90 | $15,712 | Bush |
| 43 | Montana | 90 | $16,062 | Bush |
| 44 | Oklahoma | 90 | $16,198 | Bush |
| 45 | South Dakota | 90 | $16,558 | Bush |
| 46 | South Carolina | 89 | $15,989 | Bush |
| 47 | Wyoming | 89 | $17,423 | Bush |
| 48 | Idaho | 87 | $16,067 | Bush |
| 49 | Utah | 87 | $15,325 | Bush |
| 50 | Mississippi | 85 | $14,088 | Bush |
New Hampshire, the only state over 100 to vote for Bush would have selected Gore if Ralph Nader had not been on the ballot.
Note: The data is based upon the book IQ and the Wealth of Nations, by Richard Lynn and Tatu Vanhanen. The income statistics are now perhaps a decade old, but were apparently the only numbers available to the original compiler when the results of the 2000 election became available.
HU'S ON FIRST
By James Sherman
(We take you now to the Oval Office.)
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man- Hu's name.
George: That- Hu's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
(Condi picks up the phone.)
Condi: Rice, here.
George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some to the guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?